Simple Faith Groups

 Becoming part of a Religious Group 

Religious and spiritual groups may offer you a real chance to feel part of a community with others of similar views to yourself, and eventually allow you to make some good friends. If you already consider yourself to have found your spiritual home in your own branch of Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Sikhism, Paganism or whatever, then you will want to fit your simple lifestyle into the tradition of that religion. None of these religions is without a long tradition of simplicity and your life will be made richer by exploring, alone or with others, the roots and practice within your faith. Others among you will be ‘seekers’; you may feel that you have a spiritual home somewhere, but you might not know where to start looking. If this is the case, a search for some kind of religious ‘home’ may be worthwhile. Don’t assume however, that this is necessarily as easy as it sounds; as with finding a partner, you should know when you have made the right choice! 

Wherever and whatever you seek, do not accept compromise; go to a spiritual home where your your own personal beliefs fit comfortably and choose a group to join only if it is made up of individuals with whom you feel at ease, and with whom you are happy to make a spiritual journey.  Below I will highlight some religious groupings that you may not be too familiar with, but all of which have some special relevance to simplicity. I have avoided discussion of ‘mainstream’ churches only because they are very well known and easy to find out about; this does not mean that they might not be perfect for you! I will not be discussing any group that charges a fee for you to join or attend meetings; if you find yourself being asked for contributions other that the customary voluntary ‘collection’, think very carefully about whether you are becoming part of a spiritual group, or just buying another product. Most groups should allow you time to ‘taste’ what's on offer before you decide to become a full member, so don’t hesitate to decline membership if you feel that you really don’t fit in or simply say that you are not ready yet and wish to give it longer before you make up your mind. 

Mennonites 

The Mennonites come from the same theological roots as the Amish, namely Anabaptism; they too found a home in Pennsylvania at the invitation of the Quakers, following persecution in Europe.  While it may be hard for the outsider to see the difference between an Amish community and an Old Order Mennonite community, differences do exist. Most Mennonites today do not wear Plain clothing and seem thoroughly ‘modern’, but they do have very strong beliefs including a strong commitment to simplicity and pacifism. Mennonite groups exist widely in the USA, Eastern Europe, Russia and many African countries; in the UK they are thin on the ground, but groups do exist and a national umbrella organization helps groups and individuals to make contact (see links below). 

If you want to combine your simple lifestyle with conventional Biblical Christian beliefs, then it is well worth exploring the Mennonites in more detail.  

“Preoccupation with money and possessions, self-indulgent living and eagerness to accumulate wealth for personal advantage are not in keeping with the teaching of Scripture.” 

~US Mennonite Brethren Confessions of Faith 

 Quakers 

Simplicity is an important concept to Quakers, both as individuals and as a group.  Practitioners of simplicity at any level will find like-minded people at their local meeting. Quakers (The Religious Society of Friends) have their roots in the religious and political turmoil of the seventeenth century. Quakers do not have churches but meet together, usually once or twice a week, in a Meeting House for what is not called a service, but a Meeting for Worship. 

Today Quakers offer a spiritual home for many including those from a very wide range of religious beliefs. Worldwide Quakers are predominantly Christian, but Universalist, Buddhist, Pagan and even Nontheistic Quakers are not uncommon, especially in Britain. In the UK the vast majority of Quakers are part of one umbrella group, the Britain Yearly Meeting, but in North America, where the numbers of Quakers are much larger, several groupings are present that represent differing traditions. The most common form of Quaker worship (and as far as I know the only form in the UK) is unstructured worship where Quakers (called Friends by each other) gather in a Meeting and wait in silence until one of them is moved to speak. This speech emanating from the silent Meeting is called Ministry and represents the only spoken part of the meeting, until the announcements at the end. Going to the meeting makes you an ‘attender’ but, given time you may apply to become a full member. 

Quakers are very tolerant of differences among individuals, and you will find yourself able to participate fully without having your individual beliefs challenged. While Quakers have no creed or dogma you are expected to be in broad agreement with a series of statements called Testimonies which are associated with peace, justice, truth, environment, equality and of course simplicity. Many Quakers, particularly those associated with Ohio Yearly Meeting, do dress Plain and a growing number of Quakers from other yearly meetings are adopting this form of simplicity, even a few in Britain.   

If you hold strong to the Christian heritage of Quakerism, you may find it difficult in the UK to find a meeting in your locality at which you feel you fit in. In this case you may, instead of seeking membership, consider yourself one of the growing numbers of unaffiliated Quakers who, while fully feeling part of the world Quaker movement, are not comfortable with the direction that many British Quaker Meetings seem to be taking. In North America, with several strands of the Quaker tradition very active, you should find it much easier to find a Meeting which you feel at home with. 

"Try to live simply. A simple lifestyle freely chosen is a source of great strength. Do not be persuaded into buying what you do not need or cannot afford. Do you keep yourself informed about the effect your style of living is having on the global economy and environment?" 

~Advices and Queries; Britain Yearly Meeting 

Bruderhof Communities 

Again part of the Anabaptist family and active in North and South America, the UK and Australia, the Bruderhof started life in Germany, but were persecuted out of the county by the Nazi regime. The Bruderhof practise a simple and peaceful lifestyle in a way that allows for community living and common ownership. Bruderhof communities accept families and single people to join them and are very accommodating to those who are happier with just being visitors. If you want your simple living to be within a like-minded, very Christian community, then you might like to find out more.  

Unitarians 

Unitarians (called Unitarian Universalists in most countries) developed from a number of free churches and Eastern European movements in the sixteenth century. Today Unitarians are noted for their lack of creed and dogma, and their accommodating attitude. Christians (of the non-Trinitarian kind), Pagans, Buddhists and others can all make a home within a Unitarian group. While not having a specific statement on simplicity, Unitarians would be very open to those following a simple living lifestyle. 

Over a century ago many Unitarians, who were members of the transcendental movement, mainly American, experimented with simple living; among them were Henry David Thoreau and Amos Bronson Alcott (father of Louis M. Alcott of 'Little Women' fame).  They met with mixed success but great literary influence. It is impossible to look at any kind of experimental way of living in the Eastern USA at the end of the nineteenth century without constantly hitting upon Unitarian ideas. If your religious views are difficult to match up with congregations you have tried, and geographically you have Unitarians near you, then this could be the answer. With some lack of understanding as to what both groups encompass, Unitarians are sometimes described as ‘Quakers who sing Hymns’; this ignores the independent development of traditions in both of these strands of liberal religion, but from abolition of slavery to women’s rights and same sex marriage, Quakers and Unitarians have stood shoulder to shoulder.

“We need to praise simplicity in religion and simplicity in our life style, to make of simplicity, sparing and stewardship an integrated way of being.” 

~ John Toye, Economist and Unitarian

Oblates 

Oblates are generally part of the Catholic, Orthodox or sometimes Anglican Christian tradition, but many people from other Christian denominations are able to take part, as long as they have a belief in the Trinity. Being an Oblate associates you with a monastery, and although you are not formally a monk or a nun you may take part in life of the monastery either regularly, if geography allows, or through visits. Oblates can be individuals, families or even small groups. Perhaps the most well-known are the Oblates of St Benedict which ranks simplicity high among their aims. Becoming an Oblate is considered a vocation and does involve the taking of vows, so make sure that you are happy with this from the onset. 

Plain Catholics 

Another very different grouping of Catholics devoted to simplicity are the Plain Catholics. Full individual members of the Catholic Church, Plain Catholics have adopted many of the lifestyle choices more often associated with Amish, Plain Quakers or Old Order Mennonites. The grouping has no geographical base but has members in congregations around the world. Catholics devoted to self-sufficient living might also want to investigate the Catholic Land Movement which again has worldwide membership. (Links at the bottom of this page.) 

Celtic Christian Communities 

Celtic Christianity is a term applied, fairly loosely, to the form of Christianity that grew up before the Christian areas of Ireland, Scotland, Wales, Brittany and parts of  England were under the direct control of the Roman Catholic Church. Definitions are vague, but this was the Dark Ages, and while historians may disagree, the writings of early Celtic Christians are quite wonderful in their attempts to marry together Christianity with a more ‘pagan’ view of the world. The early Celtic Christians were convinced that simplicity drew them closer to God and allowed them to live close to the natural cycles of the Earth. Simplicity was at the heart of the Celtic monastic tradition and, at times, this developed into a very austere way of life. 

In all honesty, the Celtic Church no longer exists, but strands of it survive in modern Anglicanism, Methodism and Catholicism whilst similarities in theology and practice show comparisons with Orthodox Christianity. Several communities have grown up which draw from all denominations, and which try to keep those ideals of Celtic Christianity alive.  The Northumbria and Ionna Communities have well supported groups on the web and help to organize pilgrimages and retreats. True, many experience these groups only via the internet, but their activities are helpful and worth investigating if you find yourself in sympathy with Celtic Christian ideals. 

Sexual Orientation and Religious Groups 

If you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual or any kind of gender nonconformist, then you may want to check the attitudes of any group you plan to join. Quakers, Unitarians and Reform Jews are very openly against discrimination on sexual orientation grounds, but you may need to approach other groups on a local level. Above all do not be intimidated into thinking that you need to change basic parts of your own sexual makeup just to be part of a religious group ~ you don’t! Modern attitudes to sexual orientation are in no way compromised by simple living, and by accepting your own sexuality and that of others you are embracing the simple notion that all of us are different and yet all of us are equal! 

“One should no more deplore homosexuality than left-handedness.” 

~Towards a Quaker View of Sex 1963 

Doing your own Thing 

Geography is much more important than it used to be in finding a group that you feel you want to be part of. At one time a whole range of alternative religious groups might have been available for your use within easy reach, but in many European and North American communities, decreasing attendance and a more dispersed population means less choice. One solution is to start your own group consisting of family, friends and neighbours. The Amish meet fortnightly in each other's homes and, when a worship group gets too large for the accommodation, a new group is formed. You could run your group along lines of the unstructured meetings of Quakers, the more directed worship of the Mennonites, or any other alternative you chose. You may wish your group to be self-contained or seek to affiliate it to a larger organization. If it all ends up with just your family taking some time together in silent worship once a week then what’s wrong with that? 

Alternatives 

You may find that you don’t fit into any of the groups above and that your religious beliefs, or lack of religious beliefs, would be compromised by joining any group. In that case the internet should provide you with a wealth of non-religious, or alternative religious groups to join. It may be difficult to gain local connections, but you could be pivotal in starting a group of your own. Many, throughout history have found themselves literally on their own and this too may have rich rewards.  

 If you are interested in any of the groups mentioned in this chapter, then a visit to the respective website should give you access to update information about the groups and any local activity. 

The Mennonite Trust (UK) http://menno.org.uk/ 

Mennonite Church (USA) http://www.mennoniteusa.org/about-us/who-are-the-mennonites/ 

Unitarians (UK) http://www.unitarian.org.uk/index.shtml 

Unitarians (USA) http://www.uua.org/ 

Quakers in Britain http://www.quaker.org.uk/ 

Quaker Finder (North America)  http://www.fgcquaker.org/connect/quaker-finder 

Conservative Quakers (USA) http://www.quaker.us/welcome.html 

Bruderhof Communities   http://www.bruderhof.com/en-gb 

Plain Catholics http://plaincatholic.webs.com/ 

The Catholic Land Movement http://www.thecatholiclandmovement.org/ 

The Northumbrian Community (Celtic Christian) http://www.northumbriacommunity.org/ 

The Iona Community (Celtic Christian) http://iona.org.uk/ 

Benedictine Oblates (UK)  http://www.benedictine-oblates.net/ 

The North American Association of Benedictine Oblate Directors http://www.naabod.org/ 

QuakerQuaker (worldwide community) http://www.quakerquaker.org/ 

The Pagan Federation (UK) http://www.paganfed.org/cms/ 

Hermits http://www.solitaries.org.uk/ 

National Secular Society (UK) http://www.secularism.org.uk/  

Wikipedia page on LGBT affirming Christian Denominations  LGBT-affirming Christian denominations 

 (C) Ray Lovegrove 2015 2022

Simple Families

"The more people have studied different methods of bringing up children the more they have come to the conclusion that what good mothers and fathers instinctively feel like doing for their babies is the best after all. All parents do their best job when they have a natural, easy confidence in themselves. Better to make a few mistakes from being natural than to try to do everything letter-perfect out of a feeling of worry."

~ Benjamin Spock

You may decide, having thought about it carefully, that yours is to be a simple life, but what about your family? Do you need to have them agree with you on these things? Perhaps they might have a different idea of simplicity than you or even reject the idea altogether. You may find yourself outnumbered in the simple living vote and have to compromise some of your plans.
Perhaps you are not part of a family unit at this time in your life ~ can you find a partner and build a simple family around you both? Or perhaps the choice for you is to develop a single and simple lifestyle which gives you a pretty free hand.


As you can see, whether on your own or as part of a family group, these are some of the most basic issues surrounding a life of simple living.

"Do we take care that commitments outside the home do not encroach upon the time and loving attention the family needs for its health and well-being?"

~ North Pacific Yearly Meeting Advices and Queries (Quaker)

Simple Beginnings


Of course, the vast majority of us start our lives as part of a family; we have parents, or a parent, and we may have siblings and grandparents and even be part of some greater ‘clan’. Whatever the set up these people are most likely to be part of our lives until they, or we, die. Of course, geographical distance is a factor for many families, but communication and those ‘hidden ties’ mean our families are always with us. The relationships may be close, loving, strained, manipulative or distant; families come in all types and we all have to accept what we find ourselves to be a part of. Our childhood may leave us with a wealth of happy memories or cupboards full of daemons; we have no choice about those things and we cannot change them.

As we grow older, our relationship with our parent's changes and sometimes, as we grow into adulthood, our parents become our friends. That’s the way it should happen, but it's not a perfect world and many of us find ourselves at odds with ageing parents, and life for all becomes more difficult. We may have to nurse ageing parents, they may become frail and senile, our finances and energies may become stretched and, on top of all these things, however much we try and try, we never quite get approved of.

Many people experience development into adulthood in a way that parents are unhappy with; they may not like how we look, our sexual orientation, our choice of job, our choice of partner... What can be done? We want to adopt a simple approach to all these questions, so the answer must be some way to reduce the complexity of a relationship that does not break the important ties that hold us together. We must learn to coexist, to give each other space, to allow each other our differences; sometimes we give ground, but on some things we hold fast, we do not surrender our individuality. We need to say that we are different, but that difference is not ‘tie breaking’, we need to stand up for who we are and take whatever criticism comes our way. Above all we need, in any relationship, to be ourselves.

Elderly Members of the Family

When Charles Dickens was at the height of his popularity, he chose to use his skills as a novelist for the nineteenth century reading middle classes. Nowadays we have many social problems to deal with, but in particular the way that old people are treated. Our society recognizes the worth of those who work but fails to apply the same value to those who are too old to work. Because ‘productive labour’ is over, elderly people, particularly poor elderly people, are regarded as a ‘problem’ rather than being seen as valued members of society. Governments ignore them, corporations ignore them, and we also ignore them. Dickens worked hard to highlight some of the social problems of the day. In Oliver Twist and Nicholas Nickleby, he exposes the way in which children were treated in Victorian society. He did bring about social change by bringing a serious social problem into the living room of the nineteenth century. Contrast this with the Amish who fully integrate the elderly within their families, their communities and with their society as a whole. Perhaps it is because Amish society changes so slowly, that the skills and ‘know how” of the elderly are still relevant and useful. In modern western culture, the skills of fifteen years ago are often outdated. The Amish look after and nurse their elderly in a way that puts us to shame. We could learn much from them. If you have elderly members in your family or your community, then consider how they are treated and how you can act to improve their lives.

“These are the days that must happen to you.”

~ Walt Whitman

Simply Going Alone


Many people stay in the family home that they were raised in until their parents die, then they just take over, somehow carrying on the baton of the family into the future. In days past this was a very common thing to do, especially for men who would take on the family farm or the family business when the father died. For women there were always those who married and, effectively, became part of ‘another’ family; those who remained unmarried often ended up as the carer of ageing parents. Today things are different and the vast majority of women and men leave the parental home and set up for themselves.


For many, setting up for themselves means becoming what the world sees as a ‘single person’; you become defined by the fact that you are not part of a partnership. Some find the ‘single’ life appealing and are in no hurry, if ever, to change it; others start, almost at once, to seek that other person with whom they will build the nucleus of a new family. Above all being single must be considered as fully acceptable, valid and valuable as being with a partner and never as just being ‘unmarried’.


If you are single, do spend time thinking about whether that is the happiest state for you to be in, or whether you are seeking that ‘other person’. When I say ‘consider’ I mean actively consider your options; do not feel obliged to take a partner simply because ‘society’ expects it of you. Loneliness is a considerable burden for any human to have to cope with, so make sure you are not just choosing a partner to avoid being on your own. It may be that you have decided that you positively do want a partner, but it has proved difficult to find a suitable candidate; if this is the case, be sure to make the best of your life as it is. Do not let your quest overwhelm you and cast a shadow over other aspects of life that may also carry considerable benefits. 

Finding a partner

Those of us in relationships can look back and consider how we met our life partner. We may even look back and consider ourselves very fortunate to have been in the ‘right place at the right time’.
Psychologists have come up with several theories of how we decide that the person we have met is ‘the one’ and it's usually to do with some mental checklist that we carry around in our heads. That check list might have some very simple things to do with physical appearance like ‘blue eyes’ or ‘tall’; it might also have some more esoteric points such as, ‘must like cats’ or ‘must be a reader of Proust’. When we meet any potential partner, we simply spend a bit of time checking our list to see if we have a good match. Of course, this ‘list’ is unconscious, so we don’t actually start ticking boxes, however, our brains start to do this very quickly. I suppose that if we can tick off a number of physical attributions very quickly, we may have a case of ‘love at first sight’.

In the past, putting yourself in a position where you might meet potential partners was relatively simple; it would have been through church groups or maybe other social organizations. Later, as more women came into the workplace, work became the major source of potential partners. Today things are more difficult; social groups and the workplace may no longer be the places where people meet. What is wrong with computer dating? Nothing as far as I can see; casting a wider net may just help you to find what you seek. If you decide to computer date, then be discreet about who you tell and be very careful about letting your emotions carry you away before you arrange a meeting to see whether the ‘chemistry’ works in the right way. Never assume that the person you are ‘meeting’ on-line is genuinely who they say they are, always take care and never arrange a first meeting away from other people.

“I know what it is to live entirely for and with what I love best on earth. I hold myself supremely blest -- blest beyond what language can express; because I am my husband's life as fully as he is mine.”

― Charlotte Brontë

Different Family Units

We don’t live in the 1950s any more and the word ‘family’ can mean a whole range of different things. All possible combinations and numbers of adults looking after children is fine, and the sex of the parents and the sexuality of the parents does not affect anything as far as I’m concerned. The important thing is that people regard their unit as a family, be that one adult and a child, or five adults and twelve children. These things shouldn’t matter to any of us and simple families are no different. A loving family should be just that and face the world without any need to explain, or justify, why they don’t match the role models from the 1950s.

Make sure that the children in your family understand that families come in all sorts of different ways, and avoid behaviour that will encourage the development of sexual stereotypes, or the acceptance of sexual stereotypes, in your home.

Simple faithfulness

When you start a relationship with another person you must be faithful. It is not simple at all to get yourself ‘involved’ with more than one person at a time. Perhaps the relationship will be a short one, but all the same it should be a short and faithful one. If you decide that it is not working out, then you have an ethical duty to close that relationship before moving on. That is the only way!

If you enter a long relationship with someone, perhaps sharing a home, marriage, or civil partnership, then true faithfulness and absolute fidelity are the only way. Don’t put yourself in positions where your commitment to your partner comes to testing. Do not be flirtatious and do not put yourself into a place of temptation. Infidelity leads only to guilt, pain, mistrust and hurts everyone involved.

Relationships do go wrong. It is sad, but it happens. Only when one relationship is closed and the going of separate ways has taken place can you even consider a new partner. If your unfaithfulness has been the cause of broken relationships, perhaps the separation of children from parents, then that will hold with you, and you will be responsible for great unhappiness and hurt.

Simple Sex

Relationships between loving adults results in sex. Sex does not exist in the same way outside that loving relationship. Sex divorced from love is like eating without hunger. In the last fifty to sixty years, the media has taken over sex and sold us a ‘brand’ that belonged to us anyway. Magazines, newspapers, television and film all sell us the idea that sex is out there to take, as much of it as we want ... and the consequences are always happiness and joy. In reality, sex is limited, both in quantity and variety; most people have lives that are full of work and living and looking after others, and building up the structure of their lives. Sex also can bring problems, relationship issues, unplanned pregnancy, and a range of sexually transmitted diseases, so remember that sex does not come without strings,

Of course sex is a part of our lives, but it is never as big as might be suspected by an alien visiting our planet and thumbing through a pile of magazines at the newsstand or spending an evening in front of the television. That would present a skewed version of reality. For many, satisfaction with their sex lives is marred by the belief that everyone else is enjoying more and better sex than they are. The truth is that sex can only ever be a small part of our lives; it may not ‘live up’ to what the movies tell us but it can be a satisfying part of a loving relationship. Let’s not forget that the primary biological function of sex is the production of young. That’s true for otters, oak trees and okapi, and it’s also true for us.

“It is not your love that sustains the marriage,

but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.”

― Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Celibacy

Many simple people, groups, and individuals have adopted celibacy as a way of life. In the Roman Catholic Church the priesthood, monks and nuns all take vows of chastity and are required to refrain from all sexual activity. The Shakers also, famously, made celibacy an essential requirement of their church, relying on conversion or adoption to increase their numbers. Celibacy for those not involved in such groups is either a matter of personal choice or, more often, circumstance. Within a loving relationship, celibacy can happen as the result of mutual agreement or because of medical, psychological or other reasons. It might be for a short spell or a long time, but either way a strong relationship can cope with it. Lack of sex need not indicate lack of love, nor lack of caring, nor lack of commitment; it can cause difficulties, but so can many other things. Simple relationships are based on love and trust; they can withstand much and are are a joy to the participants.


Children

When a ‘family unit’ goes from being two people to three or more, it automatically becomes different. After all, the two people at the ‘core’ of the family chose one another, but the children are a result of genetics, and we have no choice in the matter of the mix of genes involved at all. Children do respond well to a simple environment and pretty much accept the life that is offered to them as the norm. It is only when other children whom they know reveal details of their lives that comparisons take place. It is not uncommon for people to find that they only feel truly ‘adult’ when they become parents and all of a sudden things like free time become something you have to plan for.

Children need to feel happy and secure within the family; they must be able to look upon their home
as a place of absolute safety and trust. Children are individuals and many will have traits and characteristics that the parents will not have expected. However, whatever they may be like, love, safety and trust are their birthright.


If you don’t have children you may strongly overestimate the effect that your genes will have on that child. True, they will inherit some things from you ~ indeed, some children seem to be clones of one or other parent, but for the most part, your child will be a unique individual who is carrying with them the genetic information from not just the two parents, but from those who came before you since humans first evolved. You have no idea what your children will be like, and you have no real idea of what kind of adults they will become until quite late in their childhood.

“Do you recognise the needs and gifts of each member of your family and household, not forgetting your own? Try to make your home a place of loving friendship and enjoyment, where all who live or visit may find the peace and refreshment of God’s presence.”

Quakers in Britain Advices and Queries

The Guidance of Children




The word ‘discipline’ has a nasty feel to it for many; perhaps they think of it as being the same as ‘punishment’ or ‘restraint’, so I use the word ‘guidance’ to avoid that negative connotation. Children are young and will do things that are very dangerous, very disruptive or very unkind to others. It is up to the adults who look after them to guide them in a way of avoiding danger, being in harmony with the others in the household and community and being kind and thoughtful towards others.

Eventually the child will, as we all do, develop a self-regulatory process for these things, but that comes with time. By now, some parents will be ready with anecdotal references as to how ‘good’ their children are, while others will quietly ponder why they have had problems with their children. I think it is very important not to judge others, nor to blame parenting on what might be due to any number of reasons. If you are a parent of children who constantly present you with behavioural problems, then don’t spend time blaming yourself, just work hard at trying to turn things around.
Children are all different and, even within a family, personality differences will exist; we should make allowances for these differences but insist on a level of cooperation with others that makes for a peaceable family existence. Don’t be draconian with your children, but do expect the following.


(PS some of these will not become issues until the teenage years, and if you are lucky, never!) 
No violence to other family members
No verbal abuse, name calling or bullying of other family members

• No ‘inappropriate’ intimacy with other family members
• No mistreatment of animals
• No disrespectful comments or behaviour to others outside the family
• Not showing respect for other people’s property and privacy
• Not showing respect for the ‘house rules’ about ‘cussing’, discussing inappropriate things with younger children, drugs, alcohol, tobacco, gambling, pornography etc.
• Stealing within or without the home.
• Deliberate or careless damage to household items or the belongings of others
• Lying to attain what is not rightly theirs or to defer blame
• Lack of consideration towards others by means of excess noise or behaviour
• Not sharing in the chores of the household as appropriate by age
• Taking full part in family mealtimes and other things which are considered the norm
• Observing other rules to do with technology in the home and its use
• Observing family rules about what time to come home, time for bed etc.

The problems come when these rules are deliberately ignored or tested to straining. Obviously, any adult in the family cannot use the ‘forbidden’ list above to sanction the poor behaviour of children. You cannot hit, name call, or damage property if that’s the kind of behaviour that is considered unacceptable! You have to develop a subtle but varied range of sanctions that might include removal for an agreed time of a privilege; the ‘making good’ by doing tasks, repairing, restoring etc. damage to goods or property should be paid for in some way. Remove free time and replace it with some tiresome activity. Withholding of ‘treats’, but never the withholding of love, affection or time. Avoid losing your temper with children or imposing any sanctions that could be considered cruel or hurtful in any way. If they have done wrong, they should be aware of it, but also be very aware that it is the wrongdoing that is under discussion and not them nor your love for them.

Always keep at the front of your mind that a child’s first lessons in justice, conflict resolution, and non-violence happen in the home; also remember that your child will discover for themselves the power of protest and passive resistance – and that’s how it should be.


Arguments and Aggression





People living in the same house will argue and, from time to time, those arguments will become ‘aggressive’. By that term I mean that things will be said not to prove a point but to hurt the other person. It would be nice to think that in a simple household these things will not happen, but that’s not facing up to the reality. The important thing is how to avoid these situations and how to get over them once they occur.

Not getting into arguments may involve a whole range of techniques, but these are a few;

Allow others to occasionally ‘let off steam’ without challenging them

• Avoid doing things that can be seen as ‘irritating’ to the other person at difficult times; pre-menstrual days, times of stress, when they, or you are hungry, tired etc.
• If possible, take yourself away from the ‘field of conflict’ before things go wrong
• Agree to differ
• Agree to postpone a conversation until later
• Things to remember in an argument;This is a person you care for, don’t say things to hurt them
• Don’t bring up past arguments
• Don’t use the argument as an opportunity to bring up unrelated topics
• Don’t get aggressive with doors, plates or other items for dramatic effect
• Don’t be afraid to say ‘I can’t talk about this now let’s talk later
• Don’t involve others
• Things to try after an argument.
• Say sorry
• Show that you understand the other person's position
• Be kind and never victorious
• Sleep on it (An Amish device) Agree to keep out of each other’s way for an hour or two, but don’t do this without agreeing or it will look like sulking
• Don’t sulk
• Don’t punish yourself or the other person

How to avoid arguments in the first place,

• Be kind
• Be considerate
• Allow people to be different
• Face your addictions and bad habits and deal with them
• Be true and faithful to your partner
• Be truthful
• Be honest about your finances
• Try to be patient
• Try to keep a good temper
• Count to ten before you say anything
• If you have issues with your partner/child/parent try to find ‘good times’ to discuss them
• Don’t rehearse confrontations in your head ~ they don’t work out like that
• Consider that you may be mistaken
• Recognise when people are vulnerable and leave them alone

Schooling or Unschooling?



(C) Tim L Walker


Children need to learn so much. Some things are learned from other family members such as language, a good relationship with food and how to get help when you need it. Practical skills like getting dressed, working basic things in the home and respecting others are all valuable lessons which may take some time to get right. The importance of music, nursery rhymes, simple folk tales and stories is immense; in this way children are inducted into the culture of the family and of the greater mass of people around them.

When it comes to more formal education; ‘Reading, wRiting and aRithmatic’ a choice has to be made. Should these be delivered in the home via the parents or by professional teachers in a school?
In some nations of Europe, home-schooling is illegal. But in most of the world, it is a choice open to parents. The decision to homeschool may come for a number of reasons; unhappiness with the pervading culture of the available school, special needs of the child that cannot be satisfactorily delivered by the school, fear of bullying or social rejection, religious views or simply a strong belief in home-schooling as the right thing to do. For parents, several things are important. Perhaps the most important of these is the sharing of resources, information and support with others working in the same way Also, you need to ‘buy in’ what you cannot provide; this may involve you getting tuition in music, languages, art or whatever skills you are not competent in yourself.
If you do choose to send your children to school, rather than home educate, then make certain that the school is one you are happy with. If for any reason you find yourself dissatisfied, then fully consider the option set out above. Changing schools continuously to find ‘the perfect one’ is, in my opinion, pointless and damaging.

Even if you chose not to educate at home, don’t assume that your child's education is not your full responsibility. Look for the gaps in the syllabus offered by the school and, if you can, fill them yourself. This is particularly important if a language that is in the heritage of the family is not taught at school ~ teach it yourself! Above all other things remember that the spiritual development of your child is in your hands; work hard to keep this out of the grasp of others who may have a very different outlook on the world than yourself, but always remember to give your child the freedom to make up their own mind.





The ‘Happy’ Family

Tolstoy in Anna Karenina would have us believe that ‘happy’ families are of one kind. I generally would never disagree with Tolstoy, but on this occasion, I must put forward the theory that all families are different, irrespective of the level of happiness or unhappiness that embraces them. The following list encompasses the things that a simple family should be aiming for in their lives every day! A family should aim to create an environment where;

• everyone is treasured as an individual
• all individuals are loved
• individuals are allowed space
• individual development is supported
• cooperation is the mode of operation
• work is shared
• spiritual unity is sought, but allowances are made for different approaches.
• arguments are few and short
• arguments never develop into long term ‘warfare’
• the elderly are respected and cherished
• the young are nurtured by all
• harmony is seen as the norm

I could on, but you can add to the list for yourself. The important thing, in fact the most important message, is that you need to keep working on these things forever! You are not going to wake up one morning and find all these things ‘sorted’, but you will wake up every morning with renewed determination to make these things work!


In the Jewish tradition, redemption only comes from the continuous ‘Mitzvahs’ or good deeds ~ the seeds of our own redemption are locked deep inside us all along! To all of us, Jewish or not, the message is simple, pure and so beautiful ~ in answer to the question ‘what can I do today’ the answer will always be ‘what you did yesterday but try and do it better’. Your family life may get closer to your ideals if you remember this each morning and at the close of each day.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

(C) Ray Lovegrove 2016 2022