Radical Simple Living: home

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Radically Change How you Live

Basic Changes you can Start Today

Think carefully about where you live and decide if it meets your needs
De-clutter your house fully to start with then maintain a low clutter tolerance into the future. Give unwanted items to charity
Recycle any materials that you cannot give away and make recycling part of your everyday routine
Reuse items and materials in creative ways (save money
Reduce the amount of noise in your home by turning of music, radio and television only when you need to use them
Make no background noise the rule in your home
Assess the available space outside your house and consider how it is used
Insulate your house as well as you can (save money)
Keep yourself warm rather than heating every room in the house (save money)
Buy a scrubbing brush and use it
Always investigate second-hand furniture before looking at buying new (save money)
Learn to clean not as a chore, but as an important job of work you do for home and family

Some Changes you might like to consider for the Future

Change your living room from a place where family members watch television to a place where a variety of activities can take place
Use wood flooring and furniture as you come to replace your current items
Refresh your house by painting walls and using simple fabrics
Consider changing the function of rooms
Dig up your lawn and grow vegetables instead (save money)
Consider the viability of electricity generation for your home using wind or solar power (save money)
Consider learning basic carpentry, plumbing or needlework skills (save money)
Consider becoming a one car family (save money)
Consider sharing car journeys to work (save money)
Consider using public transport to get to work (save money)

Some big radical changes you may want to move towards

Sell up and move to the country
Give up your car (save money)
If you have the resources, land and skills then build your own house (save money - perhaps)

How do I learn new skills?

Ask neighbours, friends, family. In particular elderly people may have lots of skills they are willing to pass on to anyone interested. In your area you may find evening or weekend courses you can attend. YouTube can provide easy free access to experts!

Simplicity when Eating

In some areas of life, simplicity may seem a poor substitute for all the toys and treats of modern, state of the art living. When it comes to eating, however, I doubt if many would prefer the modern array of pre-processed, almost pre-digested foods served straight from the microwave and eaten in front of the television to real home-cooked meal, made from quality ingredients and eaten at the table with good company and good conversation. Why accept the former when you can weave the ideals of simple eating into your home and into your life?

Eating is important, I think we can all agree on that the process of putting food in our mouth important, but how we do is also important. Your grandparents had it sorted out well the family sat at the table, the food was served, and the family ate. Modern life has blurred this process; many of us sit at table with our family very rarely and some of us only on special occasions Christmas or thanksgiving. Surprisingly a number of families have given up eating together entirely, each member of the family, perhaps sometimes in ones and sometimes in twos getting what they want when they want and eating. I want to suggest that individual ‘feeding’ is a poor substitute for the social occasion that is a family meal. Which table families sit at also varies some at a kitchen table with food served at the heat of the food preparing activity, and sometimes in a dining room hopefully close by. But both of these become impossible if the table itself has been dispensed with as it has in many homes in the UK!

The first step towards simpler eating is to have mealtimes and have a table to eat at. Something about a family eating together suggests all kinds of things are going on besides just the intake of a meal, social interaction ‘how was your day’, ‘what happened at school today’, did you get that hail storm at lunchtime’ ~ all signs of interaction. Young children at the meal table are learning to talk by watching and listening and older children are learning to join in adult conversation where does this happen if not at the family meal table.

Why do I suggest that these things are important and what have they got to do with simplicity at all? I think the answer to that is that by family protocol and tradition we are signifying the importance of the family as a group and, of course, showing that food is vital. Food is not something that we throw down our throats to get on with the next ‘exiting’ thing we have to do, it is, quite simply a matter of life and death! Family eating traditions that you introduce may be setting some kind of pattern for generation to come ~ these things are very important.

Spiritual Eating.

If we look at families from a cultural point of view we note also that the meal table is a place of spiritual interaction ~ most religious traditions start with grace or the blessing of the food. My own family follows the Quaker tradition of silent grace. We have introduced a short reading, sometimes, before silent grace to ‘give them something to think about,’ this might be from the bible, the Quaker book Advices and Queries or a book of prayers for children. If we do use readings we are careful to select them to reflect our personal religious preferences, the time of year, and other family, or world events. The member of the family taking grace is different each time to get away from paternalistic (or maternalistic) traditions. Grace need not be like this, and it can be appropriate to any religious tradition. It is possible to envisage that a non-religious family might consider having a short period of ‘thinking time’ at the start of the meal as an alternative to grace. It is also a good idea then then start the meal with some formal words of starting such as ‘bon appetite’ or ‘shalom’ or a traditional greeting from another culture ‘wassail’, ‘skol’ etc.

In Amish families grace can be a much longer process than that outlined above and may include readings prayers, silence or even hymn singing. As soon as grace is over the food is eating with lack of further ceremony. It is simply a matter of finding out what works for your family.

Eating Alone.

For some eating alone is what happens every day, and for others it is an occasional occurrence, either way how can you make this process an important part of a simple life? I would suggest that you need to follow a similar pattern to a family, have mealtimes, set the table well and make it look good, flowers, candles. No reason to miss out on grace, but you can replace conversation with a good book. Why listen to the radio or watch television at mealtimes make them special, you are no less important than when eating with others so simply treat yourself well. I can see no reason why meals cooked from scratch should not be on the solitary diners table just as with a family; the skill needed to cook for one requires a little more thought, but no more skill of cooking.

Setting the Table

Simplicity is not necessarily minimalism, sitting down to eat from matching pure white crockery on a white linen tablecloth may be minimalistic, but it’s not simple. The simple tabletop is spread with what is needed for the meal. If plates don’t match then this shows that you simply buy replacement plates as and when needed, the effect is rustic, unpretentious and very simple.

Likewise with cutlery, no need for a matching set, just use what you have and make sure that children have equipment to eat with that matches the size of their hands. Try to always find a meaningful centerpiece to the meal, something seasonal, flowers, budding twigs, stones, a small basket of pinecones or a candle. Where possible dish up food at the table from serving dishes, this prevents food wastage and provides plenty of valuable leftovers (the true value of leftovers is discussed in a later chapter. Always have a jug of drinking water on the table and encourage younger people to fill glasses or tumblers themselves. It’s a useful skill!

Meals

The simple way is to have three meals a day served at pretty much the same time each day breakfast, lunch and supper. This, of course does not fit in with everyone’s life perfectly, but it should be the norm for most days. Eating between meals out of necessity is fine, if you have been using lots of energy and are too hungry to wait until the next mealtime, but between meals eating out of habit is probably results in overeating and subsequent weight gain. Meals have a way of evolving within families and that is the way it should be it also means rules develop about what is appropriate and what is inappropriate at the meal table. Younger members of the family should be expected to follow these rules and fit in with the general flow of mealtimes. Rules must be for everyone, and adults cannot behave, at the meal table, in a way that they would find unacceptable in children.

Guests

Visitors should be made welcome at the meal table and never put in the position of eating food they are not happy to eat or embarrassed by protocol. It is good if you want to invite others to eat with you, but do not get involved in the idea that they then have to invite you to eat with them and the whole concept of ‘dinner parties’ a bad one as it results in people eating what they don’t want with people they don’t want to be with at a time when they would rather be getting on with something else. Why put yourself and your friends through the whole rigmarole? An invitation to eat should be just that with no strings attached. Above all having guests for a meal should be a simple thing and not involve any degree of ‘showing off’ or trying to impress, make it relaxed and simple.

Drinking with Meals

The simple drink for any meal is water. If you drink alcohol with meals, then decide what amount you chose to drink each week and stick to it! If you refill glasses and lose track of how much alcohol you have drunk then don’t bring the bottle to the meal table. If you want to drink less then try smaller glasses, many wineglasses today are 250cm3 while not so many years ago 175cm3 were the norm, seek out the smaller glasses and use only them at the meal table. If you do serve wine, then always provide water as well. Drinking less is easily achieved by having one or two alcohol free meals each week. Non-alcoholic drinks served at table should not be sugar loaded as this just as calories to the meal without adding any nutrients, children should drink water or diluted fruit juice, not carbonated drinks or ‘squash’.

Eating Meat

Meat, historically, has been at the heart of the western diet for thousands of years. However, the demand on land and resources means that an alternative focus for the diet is ethically desirable. You can also consider your relationship to the food on your plate, if you are not happy with killing animals yourself then is it reasonable to expect somebody else to do it for you? With the large number of alternative products available not eating meat would seem the simple and ‘greenest’ way forward. You might like to consider giving up meat except for one day a week or only eating meat on one or two special occasions a year. Alternatively, you might like to try a vegetarian or vegan diet as outlined below.

Vegetarian Eating

Vegetarians do not eat meat or fish (those that do eat fish and call themselves vegetarians have a basic misunderstanding of the concept). Some vegetarians eat eggs and some also eat dairy produce but if this includes cheese it must be made with a vegetarian alternative to rennet, which is produced from the stomachs of calves. It is essential in a vegetarian diet to ensure sufficient protein, vitamin B12 and iron; all components of meat that need alternative sources. Protein can be derived from beans and lentils, but (with the exception of the soya bean) you need to mix these with grain to get the correct supply of essential amino acids; the ‘building blocks’ of muscle tissue and enzymes in the body. Other sources of protein include nuts, eggs, dairy products and ‘meat substitutes’ such as texturized soya and Quorn (TM) and the curd of the soya bean called tofu. You can soon get used to cooking with these substances and produce any number of good dishes. Vitamin B12 is not found easily outside the meat diet so vegetarians need to eat eggs or yeast extract regularly otherwise take vitamin supplements (see Simple Health) Iron is found in a number of plant sources, but for those vulnerable to anaemia, pregnant women, menstruating women, the elderly etc. supplements may be a good idea. A word of warning, becoming vegetarian doesn’t necessarily mean your diet is good, it is possible to be a vegetarian and eat very badly, you still need to think carefully about what you eat each day.

Vegan Eating

Vegans will point out that animal cruelty, and exploitation is involved in the production of both meat and dairy. In particular the dairy industry could not run without the killing of young male calves. A vegan diet is an attempt to live within an ethical system which aims to eliminate the farming of animals altogether. As you can see from the information above this is possible and all you need to do is to make sure that you get sufficient protein and vitamin B12 and iron possibly from supplements. A vegan diet is perfectly healthy and, just as meat eater might like to ‘phase in’ a vegetarian diet, likewise vegetarians might like to consider phasing in a vegan diet.

Feeding Babies

The plain and simple way to feed babies is on breast milk. Unless there is a sound medical reason why this cannot happen then no excuse exists. Breast milk is the best food available for babies and it is far cheaper than buying an inferior product to make up bottled feed. Mothers may need some professional help to get this right but remember its what breasts are for!

As babies grow, they will need to be weaned onto solid food, again you may want to take advice on when is the right time to start this, but there is no need to buy manufactured baby food at all. As a father of five I can think of only one occasion when an emergency jar of prepared baby food had to be purchased for one of my children. Food carefully prepared in your own kitchen will be the ideal way to wean your baby, best for baby, best for parents and best to get a head start on a life of good, simple, home-produced food.

Feeding Children

As soon as they are fully weaned children need to eat food that is available for all the family. You may need to hold some foods for when the children are older, generally speaking, the sooner children eat a wide range of different and well-prepared foods the better. Fussy eaters are a problem, and it is best to offer food from serving dishes on the table so that children can be tempted to try new foods regularly. If children are food rejecters, be careful not to alienate them from ever trying again by anything approaching forced feeding, better maintain the peace of the meal table and try again another day. Many children eat slowly and many ‘fill up’ with what might seem to you a small amount of food, get used to your child's appetite and meal size limits and accommodate them the best you can around the meal table. As stated in the chapter ‘simple cooking’ do try and involve children as much as possible in the process of food preparation.

Simple Families

"The more people have studied different methods of bringing up children the more they have come to the conclusion that what good mothers and fathers instinctively feel like doing for their babies is the best after all. All parents do their best job when they have a natural, easy confidence in themselves. Better to make a few mistakes from being natural than to try to do everything letter-perfect out of a feeling of worry."

~ Benjamin Spock

You may decide, having thought about it carefully, that yours is to be a simple life, but what about your family? Do you need to have them agree with you on these things? Perhaps they might have a different idea of simplicity than you or even reject the idea altogether. You may find yourself outnumbered in the simple living vote and have to compromise some of your plans.
Perhaps you are not part of a family unit at this time in your life ~ can you find a partner and build a simple family around you both? Or perhaps the choice for you is to develop a single and simple lifestyle which gives you a pretty free hand.

As you can see, whether on your own or as part of a family group, these are some of the most basic issues surrounding a life of simple living.

"Do we take care that commitments outside the home do not encroach upon the time and loving attention the family needs for its health and well-being?"

~ North Pacific Yearly Meeting Advices and Queries (Quaker)

Simple Beginnings

Of course, the vast majority of us start our lives as part of a family; we have parents, or a parent, and we may have siblings and grandparents and even be part of some greater ‘clan’. Whatever the set up these people are most likely to be part of our lives until they, or we, die. Of course, geographical distance is a factor for many families, but communication and those ‘hidden ties’ mean our families are always with us. The relationships may be close, loving, strained, manipulative or distant; families come in all types and we all have to accept what we find ourselves to be a part of. Our childhood may leave us with a wealth of happy memories or cupboards full of daemons; we have no choice about those things and we cannot change them.

As we grow older, our relationship with our parent's changes and sometimes, as we grow into adulthood, our parents become our friends. That’s the way it should happen, but it's not a perfect world and many of us find ourselves at odds with ageing parents, and life for all becomes more difficult. We may have to nurse ageing parents, they may become frail and senile, our finances and energies may become stretched and, on top of all these things, however much we try and try, we never quite get approved of.

Many people experience development into adulthood in a way that parents are unhappy with; they may not like how we look, our sexual orientation, our choice of job, our choice of partner... What can be done? We want to adopt a simple approach to all these questions, so the answer must be some way to reduce the complexity of a relationship that does not break the important ties that hold us together. We must learn to coexist, to give each other space, to allow each other our differences; sometimes we give ground, but on some things we hold fast, we do not surrender our individuality. We need to say that we are different, but that difference is not ‘tie breaking’, we need to stand up for who we are and take whatever criticism comes our way. Above all we need, in any relationship, to be ourselves.

Elderly Members of the Family

When Charles Dickens was at the height of his popularity, he chose to use his skills as a novelist for the nineteenth century reading middle classes. Nowadays we have many social problems to deal with, but in particular the way that old people are treated. Our society recognizes the worth of those who work but fails to apply the same value to those who are too old to work. Because ‘productive labour’ is over, elderly people, particularly poor elderly people, are regarded as a ‘problem’ rather than being seen as valued members of society. Governments ignore them, corporations ignore them, and we also ignore them. Dickens worked hard to highlight some of the social problems of the day. In Oliver Twist and Nicholas Nickleby, he exposes the way in which children were treated in Victorian society. He did bring about social change by bringing a serious social problem into the living room of the nineteenth century. Contrast this with the Amish who fully integrate the elderly within their families, their communities and with their society as a whole. Perhaps it is because Amish society changes so slowly, that the skills and ‘know how” of the elderly are still relevant and useful. In modern western culture, the skills of fifteen years ago are often outdated. The Amish look after and nurse their elderly in a way that puts us to shame. We could learn much from them. If you have elderly members in your family or your community, then consider how they are treated and how you can act to improve their lives.

“These are the days that must happen to you.”

~ Walt Whitman

Simply Going Alone

Many people stay in the family home that they were raised in until their parents die, then they just take over, somehow carrying on the baton of the family into the future. In days past this was a very common thing to do, especially for men who would take on the family farm or the family business when the father died. For women there were always those who married and, effectively, became part of ‘another’ family; those who remained unmarried often ended up as the carer of ageing parents. Today things are different and the vast majority of women and men leave the parental home and set up for themselves.

For many, setting up for themselves means becoming what the world sees as a ‘single person’; you become defined by the fact that you are not part of a partnership. Some find the ‘single’ life appealing and are in no hurry, if ever, to change it; others start, almost at once, to seek that other person with whom they will build the nucleus of a new family. Above all being single must be considered as fully acceptable, valid and valuable as being with a partner and never as just being ‘unmarried’.

If you are single, do spend time thinking about whether that is the happiest state for you to be in, or whether you are seeking that ‘other person’. When I say ‘consider’ I mean actively consider your options; do not feel obliged to take a partner simply because ‘society’ expects it of you. Loneliness is a considerable burden for any human to have to cope with, so make sure you are not just choosing a partner to avoid being on your own. It may be that you have decided that you positively do want a partner, but it has proved difficult to find a suitable candidate; if this is the case, be sure to make the best of your life as it is. Do not let your quest overwhelm you and cast a shadow over other aspects of life that may also carry considerable benefits.

Finding a partner

Those of us in relationships can look back and consider how we met our life partner. We may even look back and consider ourselves very fortunate to have been in the ‘right place at the right time’.
Psychologists have come up with several theories of how we decide that the person we have met is ‘the one’ and it's usually to do with some mental checklist that we carry around in our heads. That check list might have some very simple things to do with physical appearance like ‘blue eyes’ or ‘tall’; it might also have some more esoteric points such as, ‘must like cats’ or ‘must be a reader of Proust’. When we meet any potential partner, we simply spend a bit of time checking our list to see if we have a good match. Of course, this ‘list’ is unconscious, so we don’t actually start ticking boxes, however, our brains start to do this very quickly. I suppose that if we can tick off a number of physical attributions very quickly, we may have a case of ‘love at first sight’.

In the past, putting yourself in a position where you might meet potential partners was relatively simple; it would have been through church groups or maybe other social organizations. Later, as more women came into the workplace, work became the major source of potential partners. Today things are more difficult; social groups and the workplace may no longer be the places where people meet. What is wrong with computer dating? Nothing as far as I can see; casting a wider net may just help you to find what you seek. If you decide to computer date, then be discreet about who you tell and be very careful about letting your emotions carry you away before you arrange a meeting to see whether the ‘chemistry’ works in the right way. Never assume that the person you are ‘meeting’ on-line is genuinely who they say they are, always take care and never arrange a first meeting away from other people.

“I know what it is to live entirely for and with what I love best on earth. I hold myself supremely blest -- blest beyond what language can express; because I am my husband's life as fully as he is mine.”

― Charlotte Brontë

Different Family Units

We don’t live in the 1950s any more and the word ‘family’ can mean a whole range of different things. All possible combinations and numbers of adults looking after children is fine, and the sex of the parents and the sexuality of the parents does not affect anything as far as I’m concerned. The important thing is that people regard their unit as a family, be that one adult and a child, or five adults and twelve children. These things shouldn’t matter to any of us and simple families are no different. A loving family should be just that and face the world without any need to explain, or justify, why they don’t match the role models from the 1950s.

Make sure that the children in your family understand that families come in all sorts of different ways, and avoid behaviour that will encourage the development of sexual stereotypes, or the acceptance of sexual stereotypes, in your home.

Simple faithfulness

When you start a relationship with another person you must be faithful. It is not simple at all to get yourself ‘involved’ with more than one person at a time. Perhaps the relationship will be a short one, but all the same it should be a short and faithful one. If you decide that it is not working out, then you have an ethical duty to close that relationship before moving on. That is the only way!

If you enter a long relationship with someone, perhaps sharing a home, marriage, or civil partnership, then true faithfulness and absolute fidelity are the only way. Don’t put yourself in positions where your commitment to your partner comes to testing. Do not be flirtatious and do not put yourself into a place of temptation. Infidelity leads only to guilt, pain, mistrust and hurts everyone involved.

Relationships do go wrong. It is sad, but it happens. Only when one relationship is closed and the going of separate ways has taken place can you even consider a new partner. If your unfaithfulness has been the cause of broken relationships, perhaps the separation of children from parents, then that will hold with you, and you will be responsible for great unhappiness and hurt.

Simple Sex

Relationships between loving adults results in sex. Sex does not exist in the same way outside that loving relationship. Sex divorced from love is like eating without hunger. In the last fifty to sixty years, the media has taken over sex and sold us a ‘brand’ that belonged to us anyway. Magazines, newspapers, television and film all sell us the idea that sex is out there to take, as much of it as we want ... and the consequences are always happiness and joy. In reality, sex is limited, both in quantity and variety; most people have lives that are full of work and living and looking after others, and building up the structure of their lives. Sex also can bring problems, relationship issues, unplanned pregnancy, and a range of sexually transmitted diseases, so remember that sex does not come without strings,

Of course sex is a part of our lives, but it is never as big as might be suspected by an alien visiting our planet and thumbing through a pile of magazines at the newsstand or spending an evening in front of the television. That would present a skewed version of reality. For many, satisfaction with their sex lives is marred by the belief that everyone else is enjoying more and better sex than they are. The truth is that sex can only ever be a small part of our lives; it may not ‘live up’ to what the movies tell us but it can be a satisfying part of a loving relationship. Let’s not forget that the primary biological function of sex is the production of young. That’s true for otters, oak trees and okapi, and it’s also true for us.

“It is not your love that sustains the marriage,

but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.”

― Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Celibacy

Many simple people, groups, and individuals have adopted celibacy as a way of life. In the Roman Catholic Church the priesthood, monks and nuns all take vows of chastity and are required to refrain from all sexual activity. The Shakers also, famously, made celibacy an essential requirement of their church, relying on conversion or adoption to increase their numbers. Celibacy for those not involved in such groups is either a matter of personal choice or, more often, circumstance. Within a loving relationship, celibacy can happen as the result of mutual agreement or because of medical, psychological or other reasons. It might be for a short spell or a long time, but either way a strong relationship can cope with it. Lack of sex need not indicate lack of love, nor lack of caring, nor lack of commitment; it can cause difficulties, but so can many other things. Simple relationships are based on love and trust; they can withstand much and are are a joy to the participants.

Children

When a ‘family unit’ goes from being two people to three or more, it automatically becomes different. After all, the two people at the ‘core’ of the family chose one another, but the children are a result of genetics, and we have no choice in the matter of the mix of genes involved at all. Children do respond well to a simple environment and pretty much accept the life that is offered to them as the norm. It is only when other children whom they know reveal details of their lives that comparisons take place. It is not uncommon for people to find that they only feel truly ‘adult’ when they become parents and all of a sudden things like free time become something you have to plan for.

Children need to feel happy and secure within the family; they must be able to look upon their home
as a place of absolute safety and trust. Children are individuals and many will have traits and characteristics that the parents will not have expected. However, whatever they may be like, love, safety and trust are their birthright.

If you don’t have children you may strongly overestimate the effect that your genes will have on that child. True, they will inherit some things from you ~ indeed, some children seem to be clones of one or other parent, but for the most part, your child will be a unique individual who is carrying with them the genetic information from not just the two parents, but from those who came before you since humans first evolved. You have no idea what your children will be like, and you have no real idea of what kind of adults they will become until quite late in their childhood.

“Do you recognise the needs and gifts of each member of your family and household, not forgetting your own? Try to make your home a place of loving friendship and enjoyment, where all who live or visit may find the peace and refreshment of God’s presence.”

Quakers in Britain Advices and Queries

The Guidance of Children

The word ‘discipline’ has a nasty feel to it for many; perhaps they think of it as being the same as ‘punishment’ or ‘restraint’, so I use the word ‘guidance’ to avoid that negative connotation. Children are young and will do things that are very dangerous, very disruptive or very unkind to others. It is up to the adults who look after them to guide them in a way of avoiding danger, being in harmony with the others in the household and community and being kind and thoughtful towards others.

Eventually the child will, as we all do, develop a self-regulatory process for these things, but that comes with time. By now, some parents will be ready with anecdotal references as to how ‘good’ their children are, while others will quietly ponder why they have had problems with their children. I think it is very important not to judge others, nor to blame parenting on what might be due to any number of reasons. If you are a parent of children who constantly present you with behavioural problems, then don’t spend time blaming yourself, just work hard at trying to turn things around.
Children are all different and, even within a family, personality differences will exist; we should make allowances for these differences but insist on a level of cooperation with others that makes for a peaceable family existence. Don’t be draconian with your children, but do expect the following.

(PS some of these will not become issues until the teenage years, and if you are lucky, never!)
No violence to other family members
No verbal abuse, name calling or bullying of other family members

No ‘inappropriate’ intimacy with other family members
No mistreatment of animals
No disrespectful comments or behaviour to others outside the family
Not showing respect for other people’s property and privacy
Not showing respect for the ‘house rules’ about ‘cussing’, discussing inappropriate things with younger children, drugs, alcohol, tobacco, gambling, pornography etc.
Stealing within or without the home.
Deliberate or careless damage to household items or the belongings of others
Lying to attain what is not rightly theirs or to defer blame
Lack of consideration towards others by means of excess noise or behaviour
Not sharing in the chores of the household as appropriate by age
Taking full part in family mealtimes and other things which are considered the norm
Observing other rules to do with technology in the home and its use
Observing family rules about what time to come home, time for bed etc.

The problems come when these rules are deliberately ignored or tested to straining. Obviously, any adult in the family cannot use the ‘forbidden’ list above to sanction the poor behaviour of children. You cannot hit, name call, or damage property if that’s the kind of behaviour that is considered unacceptable! You have to develop a subtle but varied range of sanctions that might include removal for an agreed time of a privilege; the ‘making good’ by doing tasks, repairing, restoring etc. damage to goods or property should be paid for in some way. Remove free time and replace it with some tiresome activity. Withholding of ‘treats’, but never the withholding of love, affection or time. Avoid losing your temper with children or imposing any sanctions that could be considered cruel or hurtful in any way. If they have done wrong, they should be aware of it, but also be very aware that it is the wrongdoing that is under discussion and not them nor your love for them.

Always keep at the front of your mind that a child’s first lessons in justice, conflict resolution, and non-violence happen in the home; also remember that your child will discover for themselves the power of protest and passive resistance – and that’s how it should be.

Arguments and Aggression

People living in the same house will argue and, from time to time, those arguments will become ‘aggressive’. By that term I mean that things will be said not to prove a point but to hurt the other person. It would be nice to think that in a simple household these things will not happen, but that’s not facing up to the reality. The important thing is how to avoid these situations and how to get over them once they occur.

Not getting into arguments may involve a whole range of techniques, but these are a few;

Allow others to occasionally ‘let off steam’ without challenging them

Avoid doing things that can be seen as ‘irritating’ to the other person at difficult times; pre-menstrual days, times of stress, when they, or you are hungry, tired etc.
If possible, take yourself away from the ‘field of conflict’ before things go wrong
Agree to differ
Agree to postpone a conversation until later
Things to remember in an argument;This is a person you care for, don’t say things to hurt them
Don’t bring up past arguments
Don’t use the argument as an opportunity to bring up unrelated topics
Don’t get aggressive with doors, plates or other items for dramatic effect
Don’t be afraid to say ‘I can’t talk about this now let’s talk later
Don’t involve others
Things to try after an argument.
Say sorry
Show that you understand the other person's position
Be kind and never victorious
Sleep on it (An Amish device) Agree to keep out of each other’s way for an hour or two, but don’t do this without agreeing or it will look like sulking
Don’t sulk
Don’t punish yourself or the other person

How to avoid arguments in the first place,

Be kind
Be considerate
Allow people to be different
Face your addictions and bad habits and deal with them
Be true and faithful to your partner
Be truthful
Be honest about your finances
Try to be patient
Try to keep a good temper
Count to ten before you say anything
If you have issues with your partner/child/parent try to find ‘good times’ to discuss them
Don’t rehearse confrontations in your head ~ they don’t work out like that
Consider that you may be mistaken
Recognise when people are vulnerable and leave them alone

Schooling or Unschooling?

(C) Tim L Walker

Children need to learn so much. Some things are learned from other family members such as language, a good relationship with food and how to get help when you need it. Practical skills like getting dressed, working basic things in the home and respecting others are all valuable lessons which may take some time to get right. The importance of music, nursery rhymes, simple folk tales and stories is immense; in this way children are inducted into the culture of the family and of the greater mass of people around them.

When it comes to more formal education; ‘Reading, wRiting and aRithmatic’ a choice has to be made. Should these be delivered in the home via the parents or by professional teachers in a school?
In some nations of Europe, home-schooling is illegal. But in most of the world, it is a choice open to parents. The decision to homeschool may come for a number of reasons; unhappiness with the pervading culture of the available school, special needs of the child that cannot be satisfactorily delivered by the school, fear of bullying or social rejection, religious views or simply a strong belief in home-schooling as the right thing to do. For parents, several things are important. Perhaps the most important of these is the sharing of resources, information and support with others working in the same way Also, you need to ‘buy in’ what you cannot provide; this may involve you getting tuition in music, languages, art or whatever skills you are not competent in yourself.
If you do choose to send your children to school, rather than home educate, then make certain that the school is one you are happy with. If for any reason you find yourself dissatisfied, then fully consider the option set out above. Changing schools continuously to find ‘the perfect one’ is, in my opinion, pointless and damaging.

Even if you chose not to educate at home, don’t assume that your child's education is not your full responsibility. Look for the gaps in the syllabus offered by the school and, if you can, fill them yourself. This is particularly important if a language that is in the heritage of the family is not taught at school ~ teach it yourself! Above all other things remember that the spiritual development of your child is in your hands; work hard to keep this out of the grasp of others who may have a very different outlook on the world than yourself, but always remember to give your child the freedom to make up their own mind.

The ‘Happy’ Family

Tolstoy in Anna Karenina would have us believe that ‘happy’ families are of one kind. I generally would never disagree with Tolstoy, but on this occasion, I must put forward the theory that all families are different, irrespective of the level of happiness or unhappiness that embraces them. The following list encompasses the things that a simple family should be aiming for in their lives every day! A family should aim to create an environment where;

everyone is treasured as an individual
all individuals are loved
individuals are allowed space
individual development is supported
cooperation is the mode of operation
work is shared
spiritual unity is sought, but allowances are made for different approaches.
arguments are few and short
arguments never develop into long term ‘warfare’
the elderly are respected and cherished
the young are nurtured by all
harmony is seen as the norm

I could on, but you can add to the list for yourself. The important thing, in fact the most important message, is that you need to keep working on these things forever! You are not going to wake up one morning and find all these things ‘sorted’, but you will wake up every morning with renewed determination to make these things work!

In the Jewish tradition, redemption only comes from the continuous ‘Mitzvahs’ or good deeds ~ the seeds of our own redemption are locked deep inside us all along! To all of us, Jewish or not, the message is simple, pure and so beautiful ~ in answer to the question ‘what can I do today’ the answer will always be ‘what you did yesterday but try and do it better’. Your family life may get closer to your ideals if you remember this each morning and at the close of each day.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Your Simple Home

For most households the living room is the most important place in the house after the kitchen. As it is a place where the family gather try to keep it open and uncluttered, you may like to consider moving the television out of this room altogether to some less prominent room of the house. You might like to consider moving most of your furniture out of the living room altogether and replacing it with a long refectory like table with enough seating for all the family, it can be used for working, talking, hobbies, reading or even eating. If you can encourage your family to spend winter evenings around this table you will save energy use in other rooms. Even if all members of the family are engaged in different activities quietly, they are also spending the evening together in companionship.Bedrooms should be the simplest rooms in the house. If you can possibly manage it keep everything out of bedrooms except a bed, a small chair and table and furniture for storing clothing. If your bedroom is full of suitcases and storage items, of cardboard boxes, excess clothing and clutter, then see what can be disposed of or sent elsewhere. Bedrooms do not need televisions or computers or any form of amusement other than a small pile of bedside books and a light to read them by. Keep your bedroom sacrosanct for sleep and closeness with your partner.

Energy in the home

The simple home must also be a green home, make sure that your home is up to standard on insulation and that you do not waste energy. If you are able, strongly consider moving away from fossil fuel to wood to provide winter space heating and hot water. Get in the habit of keeping in that warm air that you have paid for by closing all internal doors, especially at night (this is a good fire precaution as well). When it gets dark in the colder months, make sure that all curtains are drawn to conserve heat. If you get cold sitting down in the evenings then cover your legs with a blanket rather than turning up the heating. Bedrooms should be on the cool side, but if your bedroom is bordering on Arctic conditions try using a hot water bottle or electric blanket both cheaper that heating the room. The most important way of keeping warm in your home is dressing properly, it will also save you money!

As for choice of fuel most of us live with what we have, if you have chance to put in your own heating avoid fossil fuels and go for wood burning. Some areas don not allow the burning of wood for domestic heating, so check with your local authority first. A modern wood burning stove will heat the room, heat your water and run a central heating system. Wood ashes are compostable, and wood, as a renewable resource is in plentiful supply. Wood should be well seasoned (aged and dried) otherwise will not be a clean fuel and will cause problems. Find yourself a fire wood dealer who convinces you fully that they are operating ethically and that the wood they supply is from a managed source and felled areas are being replanted.

“Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home.” 

- Edith Sitwell

Appliances

Your home is place to live in peace it should not look, or sound like a high-tech control center for space missions. As an exercise wander around your house one night before going to bed, look at those red glowing lights, and the white ones not forgetting the green flashing ones, what are they for? You don’t have to be anti-technology to be simple, but you do need to question your need for every appliance. My thoughts are that a cooker/range, washing machine, iron and a refrigerator are pretty important, and essential for most people; after that it very much depends on your family unit. Dishwashers may seem extravagant, but if you have four or more people in your family, then they may save you energy and water, you need to do some calculations. Microwave ovens likewise may prove energy saving and certainly time saving for processing food. Vacuum cleaners may, or may not be essential depending on your floorcovering, if you decide to do without one it is possible, in most places to hire them for a day’s spring-cleaning once or twice a year as necessary. As for clothes dryers they are particularly expensive to run and totally unnecessary if you have an outside space for drying (I used to dry all clothing naturally living on the very rainy Welsh Borders, but now I live in Sweden I do use a dryer in the depth of winter). The important thing is to consider carefully your need for any appliance, if the calculations show that it will help you, or if you have a disability and it will make life easier, and then go ahead. The purchase of appliances needs your attention to issues such as energy consumption, noise and complexity, my experience is that the fewer flashing lights and buttons the more reliable the appliance. You may of course choose to do without almost any appliance, especially if you live alone when the local launderette or laundry will solve your clothes washing problems. When it comes to replacing electrical appliances always consider weather downgrading, in size or power, is a viable option, families tend to get smaller as children ‘leave the nest’ so appliances should get smaller too.

Storage

The Shakers have lessons for us here too, everything must have a place, and if it does not then it cannot be put away. It sounds simple, but many of us have things in our homes for which we have no real place. If we leave things sitting where they are, in the hall or beside the sofa, then after a few days we fail to notice them and to us they become invisible, but to others they look like mess! Try at all costs to avoid storing things in ugly containers; a pile of toys may look a mess, but a plastic box of toys also looks pretty awful! Invest in simple baskets and wooden chests, new or second hand. These will be more expensive that the ubiquitous plastic box, but will have years of use and can change function when you want them to. Always run a basket for things that need mending, a basket for socks that need sorting and a basket for laundry pegs, once these items have a home they will stop piling up in odd corners of the house. Laundry bins are vital and, if you have the room keep one in or near the kitchen for used table linen, tea-towels, and those odd items of dirty laundry that seem to come home daily in school bags.

Unless you need items on a daily basis, store them away where they can be found, but not where you need immediate access to them. Very small items like, drawing pins, and buttons and tubes of glue can be happily sored in screw to jars that once contained peanut butter or the like, then they can be kept safely in a draw or on a shelf.

An appearance of tidiness is impossible to achieve if draws and cupboards are left open, the rule to teach children is to put ‘whatever’ in the draw or cupboard and close it! When leaving a room put dining chairs under tables, put things that go away, away and never go upstairs or downstairs without checking to see if some object or item needs to make the journey with you.

Technology may help with storage, an mp3 player can store thousands of CDs and only takes up a very small space, and if you have no more room for books a Kindle or other e-book reader can save you ever having to build a new bookcase! Likewise if you have large numbers of family photographs you might consider scanning them into your computer. This technology can induce simplicity and reduce clutter, so think carefully if you want to adopt it. If you are keeping files electronically always take care that your files are backed up on a ‘cloud’ to prevent loss. Many free ‘cloud’ storage systems are available so do some homework.

Lighting

Make the most use of natural lighting in your home as possible; above other things it’s free! Draw back curtains in daytime and keep window glass clean on both sides avoid blocking any window light with objects. In colder months draw all curtains around the house as darkness falls to help prevent heat loss. For electrical lighting use low energy bulbs in all areas except where you need the brighter light of a halogen bulb for activities like reading and needlework. Battery powered LED lamps offer some very good solutions to the problems of lights for dark cupboards and for getting around the house in the middle of the night without disturbing the whole family. For family meals, try candles or butane gas lamps for a more relaxed atmosphere. Get your family in the habit of turning off lighting when not needed. For outside lighting, avoid lamps that light up the neighbourhood for no good reason, security lights are particularly irritating, if you need lights outside carry a flashlight or get some solar powered lighting that costs next nothing to run.

Some have decided to do away with electrical lighting altogether and rely on other methods of lighting their homes; this is fine, but do consider that, just like mains electricity, oil and gas lamps burn fossil fuel. Perhaps a more environmentally aware solution to the problem is to keep the electric lights but use wind or solar power to generate your own electricity.

Cleaning

Some things have to be done and cleaning is one of them, like most things that contribute to a simple life it is better to look upon cleaning as something that is part of your life and not something that has to be got out of the way so that you can get on with your life. Simple décor will help keep cleaning jobs in proportion, wooden floors need sweeping and washing, painted walls need occasional washing and windows need regular cleaning on both sides of the glass. Cooking ranges and refrigerators need very regular attention as do wood burning stoves. Sinks and toilets baths and showers need to be kept spotless and dusting needs to be done. Some other jobs will crop up once a year ‘spring cleaning’ is traditional but, you may want to spread annual cleaning chores throughout the year to avoid spending all spring indoors! It is possible that you can clean your own chimney; you will need rods and brushes and the investment in them, and the storage of them could mean that this is one job that you prefer to use a professional for.

As for cleaning products, stick to very few; ordinary floor cleaner will clean most household surfaces and can even by diluted to refill spay ‘bench cleaner’ bottles. Wood is best cleaned with soap solution and then treated with ‘wood oil’ or polish. As for paintwork on doorframes and window ledges, soap solution and a scrubbing brush works fine. Use only ‘pump action, sprayers and avoid aerosols altogether. Old style ‘natural products’ like washing soda, vinegar, methylated spirit and beeswax polish are invaluable and every bit as good, if not better, than over-perfumed and expensive braded items. After some time of being scrubbed with washing soda or soap; painted surfaces develop a faded and slightly worn appearance, it looks just fine carry on!

Outside Space

The space that you have outside your house will be increasingly important as your life becomes more simple. It is surprising how many jobs can be done outside if you have the will, fresh air is a joy so don’t miss an opportunity to take advantage of it. Both growing food and the eating of food, in the summer months takes place here. Again if your present house is lacking in outside space you need to give some serious thought to moving house. As for eating outside a table big enough for all you family is ideal. Cooking outside need not involve expensive equipment a charcoal barbeque stove made of recycled bricks and old refrigerator shelves works fine.

Your Moving Space

Since the middle of the twentieth century the idea that has shaped our society is that people must be mobile, not only mobile for work, but mobile for leisure. The almost universal ownership of cars has defined us in terms of freedom of mobility, freedom to work away from home, and freedom to travel for leisure, but car ownership has also defined them in terms of social status. If you live in a city do question if you need any car, public transport can only get better if more people chose it. A salutary lesson is to sit down and calculate the real cost of motoring; cost of car (total cost divided by years of use less resale price), MOT, maintenance, insurance, ‘road tax’ fuel, carwash, parking etc. Take away from this figure the amount that a season ticket for transport to and from work, and other trips, will cost you and you will then have a figure of how much it costs you to drive! Giving up your car may seem like a giant step, but it can be a liberating step.

If you live outside large cities then you may find that public transport is just not good enough and that you need to have a car, rural readers will certainly be in this group. The question for you is how many cars your family needs, if only one of you is working away from home, then perhaps only one of you needs a car? Certainly, chose a car that is no bigger than your needs, what is more wasteful that a large ‘four-wheel drive’ vehicle delivering one person to work each day.

Think carefully about your transport needs and decide if a very small car will do, given that you can hire a larger car by the day if such a need arises. Consider also if you can ‘care share with others in your neighbourhood or your workplace, the savings can be considerable.

Many groups in North America, like the Amish and Old Order Mennonites, have chosen not to own or use cars, but they are free to use taxis, trains and boats when the need arises (aircraft are generally never used). A move to ‘horse and buggy’ can only be a pipedream to most of us, but we can consider the Amish principal of living very close to where we work to avoid the need for long, and expensive journeys.

[c] Ray Lovegrove 2016, 2022

Changes at Home

Assuming that your house is de-cluttered and that you have left those things that you really need you are probably at the ‘replacement only’ phase – that time when you don’t need to buy anything for the first time you only need to replace things when they are past repair. This, of course, will not be the case if you are expecting a first baby or you, or one of your family has developed a medical condition that needs specialist equipment, but for most of us we do have all that we need in terms of material goods. A simple lifestyle should not be about replacing things just because they are out of fashion, or because we would like a change them; things should need replacing only if they are no longer fit for purpose. All simple households, certainly mine, has ‘heritage items – those things that are regularly used and have active life still in them, but would not be your choice if you were buying them today. For these items consider simplifying them, furniture can have the paint stripped off back to the natural wood, or furniture can be given a fresh look by painting it. Chairs and sofas can be transformed with a throw or simple cushion covers. Very ornate furniture can be transformed into something more functional; we have a large pre-war German sideboard which makes a wonderful cupboard for produce storing!

When replacing any item, durability is important. I once several years ago stood waiting outside a huge DIY store; I watched large numbers of people coming out with trollies bursting with goods happily loading them into their cars. Turning around I could just see the entrance to the towns ‘dump’ which had similar people queuing up to discard unwanted goods. It stuck me then that some purchases from the DIY store probably only had five- or six-year active life before they would be taken to the dump and disposed of to landfill – this is why our planet is in trouble!

Replace items, when needed, with things that will last, things that can be recycled, things that can be handed on, things that will not be victims of fashion trends. This kind of replacement may cost you more money, but over a lifetime, it will save you more money, time, and inconvenience.

Wood

Where possible buy things of wood. For the price of some item made of MDF or plastic or plywood or some other substitute you can buy something made of real wood, it may be second hand, but it is still a better buy. Wooden items last longer, are more easily repaired, and decorated, they generally look better and are less environmentally damaging to manufacture. Eventually at the end of a long and useful life wood can be burnt for energy – no wood need ever go to landfill. Choose wood for flooring and kitchen worktops and cupboards when yours need to be replaced and choose wood that was grown close to you, native hardwoods and not tropical woods that have been harvested from rain forests at considerable environmental cost! You should never need to buy wood that comes from another continent unless you live in the Antarctic! Wear and tear on wooden floors and worktops can be made good by sanding down every decade or so, a laminate floor is useless when wear and tear have taken their toll. You can buy reused timber for flooring and furniture, and it looks aged, faded and wonderful. If you have any carpentry skills yourself, then use them to make and repair your own furniture where you can.

The Shakers developed furniture making skills and the products of their labours has outlived the Shakers themselves. The furniture always manages to capture a simple form, but with inbuilt practicality and durability. Few of us can aspire to own real Shaker furniture, and few of us have the carpentry skills to make anything quite so simple or so beautiful, but we can follow the Shakers in their aim to have houses with useful, long lasting, well designed and well-made items of furniture.

Paint

To keep your house looking clean and simple paint it, forget complicated ideas of wallpaper or other textured surfaces, paint is the simple solution. Use only three or four colours throughout of paint throughout and you can save money by buying larger pots and always have some spare to ‘touch up’ where necessary. If you live in an old property with uneven and irregular walls, then don’t worry too much about that, if the surface isn’t perfect, it will look all the better for painting. Light paint shades help to make rooms look bigger, look brighter and contrast with dark furniture well. Avoid fashion colours that will make your home look dated very quickly and distract from the atmosphere of simple quiet space that you want to create. Always try to buy paint, which is minimal or low in volatile organic compounds, it is far more pleasant to use and will cause less harm to the environment.

Fabrics

A simply home should be easy to clean and, for this reason carpets are not as acceptable as a wooden floor with rugs, you can easily sweep a floor and wash it when it needs it, carpets on the other hand need to be vacuumed cleaned and occasionally shampooed. In any case, nothing looks more simple than a wooden floor. For windows simple curtains with wooden poles are best. Avoid strongly patterned curtains which will ruin any simplicity they you have established in the room otherwise. Chose light curtains for summer, but heavier curtains will hold in the warmth better. Washable curtains will save dry cleaning bills. Old curtains can be turned into any number of things with some simple sewing machine work, cushion covers, bedspreads, tablecloths and throws, you may need to think about dyeing the fabric.

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